But if romantic attraction is the basis for love among
courting couples, it is no long-term basis on which to build a marriage. The
illusion of perfection in the other will not last. And that is why the essence
of marital love is not romance but forgiveness.
Let me be very clear as to what I mean by that. To define
love as forgiveness does not mean that a man can inform his wife about his
extramarital affairs and when she becomes upset, say, 'The fact that she can't
forgive me proves that she doesn't love me and that justifies my doing what I
did.' Defining love as forgiveness does not require a battered wife to continue
to suffer physical abuse at the hands of an abusive husband. Neither does it
require you to let yourself be exploited and walked over without a protest.
Forgiveness as the truest form of love means accepting without bitterness the
flaws and imperfections of our partner, and praying that our partner accepts
our flaws as well. Romantic love overlooks faults ('love is blind') in an
effort to persuade ourselves that we deserve a perfect partner. Mature marital
love sees faults clearly and forgives them, understanding that there are no
perfect people, that we don't have to pretend perfection, and that an imperfect
spouse is all that an imperfect person like us can aspire to. ('For years, I
was looking for the perfect man, and when I finally found him, it turned out he
was looking for the perfect woman and that wasn't me.')
How Good Do We Have To Be? Rabbi Harold Kushner
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